Monday Musings #2

On Rejection:

After I got engaged last year, I bought some small trinkets and these boxes at Michael’s and made gifts to ask my bridal party to be in my wedding. They looked like this:
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I made 6 total. For my 2 best friends, my 2 sisters, and my 2 future sister-in-laws.

I mailed all but the last two, because I live in the same town as my fiance’s family and I figured I would just give it to them in person.

But I kept leaving them on my kitchen table for months. Finally, we were going Christmas shopping with them yesterday and I remembered to bring them along, when my fiance let me know that they would probably say no.

“Why?” I asked him.

“Because my mom probably told them to say no.”

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Well. Let me preface this by saying that it is well within anyone’s rights to say no. I get that a primary concern of being a bridesmaid is cost (though for the sake of his sisters, they won’t be in town soon enough to join our bachelorette party, and all I ask about their dress is that it’s navy blue. They can spend however little or much they want. So I don’t think cost is an issue here) or the responsibility (but my mom and sister and best friend back home are doing just about everything. We’re getting in married in Texas. I live in Virginia right now. There’s only so much we can do from afar).

Regardless of my opinion, though, they can say no.

More than anything, my feelings are hurt because of what my future mother in law said. I’ve never felt like they don’t like me necessarily, but I don’t feel very welcome either. Brad got lucky with my family. I guess someone had to get the short straw.

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We’re probably moving to Texas next year, so this applies. (No kids though!)

I’ve never handled rejection well. Usually, if I think I’m going to be told no, I just don’t ask. It’s why I didn’t even try to join my family in Florida this summer. It’s why I didn’t use one extra vacation day to spend with my family for Thanksgiving.

Heck, while we’re reflecting on rejection, maybe it’s why I don’t do anything with my writing anymore. I think I’m afraid to let people read it. Because if it sucks, I would want them to tell me. And I can take criticism. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting just a little bit.

I got past it in college (because I mean I had to for creative writing seminars. We had a turn in every week), but it was always short stories. Bigger works that take months to finish, they’re my babies! I don’t want to be told they’re not good enough!

Image result for your writing sucks meme

Fear of rejection is one thing I never really grew out of. I’m working on it. I know though that it’s the best way to grow. To face rejection of all sorts, be it not getting spoiled with every toy you ever wanted, or being told that your writing isn’t good enough. I do believe that it shapes you as an adult, or as a writer.

Doesn’t mean I like it though.

I did not ask Brad’s sisters last night. I kept the boxes in the truck. We’re going back over next Sunday (and Christmas) so I will reevaluate my opinion and decide before then if I even want to ask. I just don’t want them to say no just because my future MIL said no. They’re both old enough to make their own decisions (at 16 and 19, I would hope so anyway).

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I’m a work in progress myself. I’ll figure it out eventually.

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19 thoughts on “Monday Musings #2

  1. I can relate to the sense of not feeling welcomed by in-laws. I also find that I do not always handle rejection well. However, I do find that it is best for me to try to understand the reasons behind the rejection. You may consider approaching your future mother-in-law about the subject, about how you would like your future sister-in-laws to be bridesmaids and ask her, your future mother-in-law, how she feels about the idea. She may still say no, but you may have a better understanding as to why.

    • That is wonderful advice! Talking it over may also help build a better bond. It shows that you truly care about being ONE family, especially since you will be married soon. Rejection is not easy and I also do not handle it well:( What helps me move forward is sticking to a group of people, or could be one person, that is truly supportive and will provide you with positive feedback instead of bring you down. In fact, having your future husband by your side and talking together with your mother-in-law will be a better way to handle the situation than you going it alone.

  2. I’m sorry for the issues you’re dealing with, weddings are weirdly political. I have a difficult MIL as well, know you’re worth and hang on to it. I would still ask your future Sister’s in Law. They might say no, but its a lot better in forging future relationships with them if you extended yourself. As they get older they might come to realize how they would feel in your position.
    As for your writing, I think you should put yourself out there as well. There is so much growth available in rejection and making yourself uncomfortable helps you. If you don’t already you should listen to the Podcasts “I Should Be Writing.” The host Mur Lafferty struggles with insecurities, despite successes in her writing career.

  3. Yes, being a bridesmaid can be expensive, but it doesn’t have to be. There are things you can do to lower the cost for your friends…. I also feel like as a future sister-in-law, I would understand if I wasn’t asked to be one (if the bride has sisters or a lot of close friends already) but I think the fact that you wanted to share that with them is thoughtful and very welcoming of you.

    I understand about the rejection as well. It stings when you feel someone is not being supportive (no matter how they’re doing it). I have to say it seems like you handled it much better than I would have.

    Keep writing, and this post makes me feel a little more encouraged for my own writing that I never feel is “good enough” for anyone else.

    • I’m always quiet when it comes to rejection in this form. I prefer people not know my feeling are hurt. I handle writing rejection differently but that’s because it’s usually private anyway. Stay positive! I try to as best I can! And thanks for the kind words 🙂

  4. I once wrote up a summary of all the things that happened between the proposal and the almost the marriage and submitted it to a wedding website where they posted funny stories from weddings. Yeah, they actually contacted me to see if my MIL killed me at my wedding. smiles. Ten years later, we’re still happily married. I would advise, “Toxic In Laws”- good book for existing happily outside your in laws bs.

  5. I think you should just go ahead and give it anyway. Marriage is no garden of roses. There are many players involved whethet we like it or not. You will get used to it dear . Let me assure you … You are not alone in this.
    Keep smiling…. The handmade boxes are beautiful.

  6. Do we ever get over our fear of rejection? I think it’s always there – you just can’t let it hold you back. (and for what it’s worth – I’ve been married for 30 years and learned early on that you just have to be yourself. If your MIL doesn’t appreciate you and support you, it’s her loss!)

  7. I absolutely agree you should talk to your MIL but be careful how you go as your fiancé may have gotten the wrong message and then she’ll feel accused about something she feels she didn’t do. My MIL isn’t of the toxic variety but we still have had our misunderstandings. I have two boys and absolutely dread being the MIL!! I will probably make such an effort to be a non-toxic MIL I’ll be irritating for other reasons. Merging lives is hard…

    • I definitely agree that words get mixed and if/when we talk, it won’t just be about this. I’ve felt this way for some time. Since we started dating really. She’s not terrible to my face, it’s what she doesn’t say to me that gets me frustrated. Thanks for the advice! And yes! Try not to be that MIL lol

  8. Relatives, especially in-laws can be quite a handful. Sorry, but i enjoyed reading your post. Even though i felt the sadness and was wonderingn why they wouldnt accept it and why your MIL would say that. Even if she says no to be a bridesmaid, she can still accept the gesture. After all, you thought they were important enough to be asked to be bridesmaid. Maybe you could ask them and also tell them that it’s ok if they say no. Not because you will understand but because it’s their choice afterall and even though you will probably feel bad, you would respect their decision. That way if they accept, yay but if not, you already expected that. No harm done . just a suggestion! 🙂

  9. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle this situation if I were you. 😦 I wish I had something better to say but the only thing I could do is agree with the above comments. Talking with your mother in law and future sister in laws would definitely help. In other happier news, I hope you have a great wedding filled with love. 🙂 Congratulations!

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