How (Not) to Write the Next NY Times Bestseller


  1. Don’t watch Food Network as “research” That Thursday-night marathon of Chopped will most likely not help you. (If you’re writing Food Network fanfiction, disregard this tip)
  2. Also, do not do dangerous stunts as “research” For real, just because you’re planning on being a bestseller and making moolah, medical bills suck. I’m sure someone else has made that mistake. Watch endless Youtube videos of them doing it instead. (If you live in a country where ER visits are not hundreds of thousands of dollars, disregard this tip)
  3. Don’t try typing the entire novel with your eyes closed. Sure, it may sound like a great idea to write as you envision the story in your head. But I guarantee that at some point, your fingers will end up on the wrong keys. And you will be sorely disappointed when you start reading a bovel qgwew tiue dingers qwew off. (If you are blind, disregard this tip)
  4. If handwriting, don’t write the whole novel with your opposite hand. I mean, unless you enjoy squinting at your notebook trying to figure out what the hell you wrote. That, or, you’ll probably use like three times as much paper because your writing is huge and crooked. (If you are ambidextrous, disregard this tip)
  5. Don’t try typing with your toes. Seriously, toes are not nearly as nimble as fingers. And they’re fatter. You’ll hit the wrong keys 95% of the time. (If you are a monkey, disregard this tip)
  6. On that same note, don’t try typing with your nose. It might take you forty years to finish typing up your first draft.  (If you are this guy, disregard this tip)
  7. Don’t write a book where a box of cat litter is the main character. What does kitty litter think about? I’m not quite sure the world wants to know. (Please, don’t disregard this tip)

  8. Don’t get a PDF version of a previous bestseller, and then copy and paste it into a document with YOUR name on it. 
    I mean, unless you enjoy being taken to court for copyright infringement. That’s fun, right? (Legally, I shall not recommend that anybody disregard this tip)


Hope that helps!

If not, apparently in 2014 some scientists found out what DOES make your book a bestseller (supposedly). You may be able to trust them more than me.

18 thoughts on “How (Not) to Write the Next NY Times Bestseller

  1. Pingback: How (Not) to Write the Next NY Times Bestseller | Thomas J. Rock

  2. Chopped is too addicting. And then when Guy Fiore comes on at 1am or whatever much-too-late-to-be-watching-the-Food-Channel time, you find a puddle of drool on the floor (and it’s coming from you) because every stinkin’ place he goes to has every kind comfort food imaginable. And then you’re sad that you don’t have half those ingredients in your kitchen. And then you wind up making microwaved mashed potatoes. >.<

    Which is why I'm glad I downgraded my cable package.

  3. Pingback: How (Not) to Write the Next NY Times Bestseller | Thomas J Rock

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